Heavy Lifting

It's often said that women do more of the emotional work in the relationship. They also, obviously (at least based on a comparison between A's and my Facebook ads, and lots of anecdotal Internet-based evidence. Totally scientific!) do most of the wedding-planning work, on average.

When it comes down to it, A just isn't all that into the details of the wedding. I think of it as something of an art project, in a way—making things pretty and matchy yet oh so breezy and casual and "I couldn't care less whether the flower arrangements match the bridesmaids' shoes." (Note: I really couldn't care less whether the flowers match the bridesmaids' shoes. I'm not even sure the flowers will match MY shoes. I am sure I will find some kick-ass shoes though. But they'll be covered up by the dress whenever I'm not hiking up its skirt to dance my pants off. Or something.)

He (A, my fiancé, that is) does care about some things. Like the band. And the venue. And the food. And pretty much everything that isn't a minor aesthetic detail. In a wedding that has few minor aesthetic details. Yet somehow, I'm the one who ends up doing most of the work researching these things (except the band! He's done 100% of the work when it comes to the band. Or rather, he's done the part where he asks a friend of his to assemble a band, so maybe his friend is doing a big chunk there too. But I haven't lifted a finger. So, yeah, not all bad.) But basically, there's this attitude of "you care way more about this than me so do whatever you want," followed by an "except for that" when I make a decision. And it's tiresome, and I bet I'm not the only fiancée who's experienced this.

And now I find myself nesting (well, a little). We want to decorate our new apartment. And by decorate, I mean "paint the walls something other than white." And I'm now tasked with picking colors because he's crap at colors. I'm fine with this, as long as I don't bring paint chips home only to hear an "ew, anything but that!"

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say in this post, beyond that this whole experience is part of that larger pattern of women doing the more household-type work when it comes to making things pretty. Yes, A will help actually paint the walls and move around the furniture and all the rest of the moving work. But I'll be running around doing the 'pretty' stuff, thinking and planning and matching. It'll be fun, but it'll be work. And I already have a full time job, thankyouverymuch.

Brides...people.

Bridal parties according to Wikipedia:

"The Western bridesmaid tradition is thought to have originated from Roman Law, which required ten witnesses at a wedding in order to outsmart evil spirits (believed to attend marriage ceremonies) by dressing in identical clothing to the bride and groom, so that the evil spirits would not know who was getting married. Even as late as 19th century England, there was a belief that ill-wishers could administer curses and taint the wedding. In Victorian wedding photographs, for example, the bride and groom are frequently dressed in the same fashion as other members of the bridal party.

Other people cite the Biblical story of Jacob, and his two wives Leah and Rachel, who both literally came with their own maids as detailed in the Book of Genesis (29:24, 46:18) as the origin of bridesmaids. These women were handmaidens (servants or slaves) instead of social peers."

...

"The required duties of bridesmaids are very limited. They are required to attend the wedding ceremony and to assist the bride on the day of the wedding. Bridesmaids in Europe and North America are often asked to assist the bride with planning the wedding and a wedding reception. In modern times, a bridesmaid is also typically asked to play a role in planning wedding-related events, such as a bridal shower or bachelorette party, if there are any. These, however, are optional activities; according to etiquette expert Judith Martin, 'Contrary to rumor, bridesmaids are not obliged to entertain in honor of the bride, nor to wear dresses they cannot afford.'"

Bridal parties according to The Knot (well, I gave up looking after finding those for the Maid of Honor, since that site likes to focus more on all the wonderful things you can buy--as a bride, bridesmaid, mother of the bride, you name it! well, unless you're a groom, because men clearly don't care):

"Here's what the MOH is primarily responsible for:

Planning one or more showers for the bride, with the help of the other bridesmaids and/or the bride's mother, sisters, etc.

Helping the bride choose her dress and shopping for bridesmaid dresses.

Making sure the bridesmaids all go for their dress fittings and get everything they need for the big day.

Lending an ear when the bride wants to/needs to vent, whether it be about her mother-in-law to-be or the fact that the napkins don't exactly match the tablecloths.

Generally keeping the bride sane during wedding planning.

Making sure the bridesmaids know where they need to be and at what time on the big day.

At the ceremony, standing next to the bride while she exchanges vows and holding her bouquet during the ring part of things.

The MOH may also hold onto the groom's wedding band for the bride (although the best man has traditionally taken care of both bands).

She may stand in the receiving line.

Bustling the bride's train for the party.

At the reception, she's often announced along with the best man.

She may dance with the best man during or after the couple's first dance.

Generally keeping the bride sane during the wedding itself."

I like the Wikipedia version better. Especially the bit about not expecting anyone to throw a party for me or wear a dress they can't afford. Also the tricking the evil spirits bit, though my plans will not result in any of my bridal party looking anything like me. Here are my expectations for my Bridal Squad*:

• Be my friends (done!) Includes all that "support the bride" stuff, but it's stuff I know they'll do anyway because that's what makes them my friends in the first place. And I'll do the same for them when they get married, whether I'm in their wedding party or not.
• Get a dress that you love within the palette (green-yellow-orange earthy tones, with a possible hint of deep burgundy thrown in).
• Come to the shower if you can.

I think that's it. Really I just want to celebrate and honor these connections as part of my wedding, and to have my best friends by my side if I get anxious or overwhelmed or otherwise emotional. Isn't that what this is supposed to all be about? Well, that and fooling some evil spirits.

* Still in the market for a phrase I really like. I don't like "bridesmaids."

Perspective

Ok. So. I think I've officially calmed the fuck down. As you may have noticed, I've been a bit of a nutcase about this whole marriage thing lately. I got engaged, I got completely giddy about dresses and flowers and escort cards, and then I got terrified about the permanent parts of all this.

And then I decided to do the A Practical Wedding book club. And the book was Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame).

Side note: Ms. Gilbert's website is absolutely awful. A yellow background? Your own photo taking up half the page? Comic Sans!? I refuse to link to a particular book seller's site because I'm not trying to get you to buy it, but I was sorely tempted.

So: Committed. It turns out that other people in the world are as afraid of marriage as I am. And as absolutely terrified of divorce as I am, too. It's ok that I'm not completely giddy, over the moon, falling over myself to show off The Rock and tell some magical proposal story and gush about whatever mundane-to-everyone-but-me detail I decided on for the wedding in the last ten minutes. I'd let this lack of all-glowing-excitement-all-the-time become some big scary sign that maybe he's not The One and everything had snowballed from there into a giant glowing pustule of stress and volatile emotion. The book was a much-needed reality check. I wouldn't say that I agree with everything Gilbert says, or that it's the greatest book about thinking about marriage ever written (I'm sure it isn't), but it was one right thing for me at the right time.

And then there was the meeting. A whole bunch of strong, wise, smart women with more to say than just "ZOMG look at this picture of a cake I MUST HAVE IT!" It was amazing. Experience, advice, affirmation, all gave me just the perspective I needed that no, everything doesn't have to be perfect; I don't need to be glowing all the time just because I'm engaged. It was just the shot I needed to calm down and once again start to feel excited about this marriage and this wedding. All it took was feeling validated about my own insecurities to pull me right back into blushing-bride-to-be land. I guess it turns out that sometimes the best thing for a relationship is a bunch of strangers.

Hello.

That's how it all starts, isn't it?

"Hello."

Names are exchanged. And drinks. Phone numbers.

And all of a sudden, three years later, here I am thinking about vows.

Okay, I'm not really thinking about vows in a "what will I say" sense yet. But I'm thinking about commitment. A. and I were engaged in August of this year and are marrying in August of next. And there are so many emotions bouncing around in my head that I'm not sure how to sort them out. So here I am, in the probably false hope that if I spew a few into a keyboard and send them into the ether for anyone (but most likely no one) to see, I'll have myself more centered, calm, and settled by the time I have to figure out how to say, for all of my closest friends and family to witness, exactly what it is I want to commit to do for and with my partner for the rest of ever.

As so many brides-to-be do, I dove into the magazines and blogs full of pretty pictures of pretty dresses and pretty flowers and pretty shoes and every single pretty detail you can imagine. I have a creative streak—a currently gravely stunted creative streak—and imagining how I might craft my wedding to have just the colors and details to make everything perfect enthralls me.

But I've started to worry that in all of the daydreaming about the wedding, I haven't truly contemplated the marriage. Doubts creep through the shadows of my mind. What were once things-I-wasn't-thrilled-about are now things-I-have-to-live-with-forever. And so I come here to sort through my fears, my doubts, my excitement, stress, elation, despair—in a public but anonymous space, in the hopes that somebody will read and find value in my meandering thoughts, and that even the idea that somebody is reading will hold me accountable to keep writing.

So, hello, blogotubes. I hope to see you again soon.